Mindfulness, Attachment and Impermanence

Four in the morning is a time I am rarely awake to witness. If I am, it's probably because I haven't gone to bed the night before. But for ten days during a silent meditation retreat in southern Thailand, this is when my day began. The large bell sounded for about fifteen minutes each morning, an impossibly loud gong that quickened in intervals as the time passed. Rousing myself from my cement slab, I made my way to the open-air meditation hall to be seated on cushions in the sand with over eighty fellow meditators from around the world. With the stars still out and the candles lit, sitting silently waiting for the first talk of the day, 4am began to feel like a natural and peaceful time to wake up.

The beauty and simplicity of life before sunrise is just one of the many things I discovered at the Suan Mokkh Retreat. Since leaving, travelers I meet want to know: what was the experience like? Was it difficult? The answer is that completing this retreat was one of the most enriching and insightful things I have ever done in my life. I had never meditated before this retreat, but it was a perfect introduction. Anything less than ten days would not have been enough. As they said during the retreat, silent meditation is not difficult, but it is not easy.

The type of meditation we practiced is called anapanasati, or mindfulness with breathing. I encourage you to read this description of it by Buddhadasa Bhikkhu, the esteemed scholar and progressive teacher of Theravada Bhuddism who founded Suan Mokkh and the International Dhamma Hermitage. I have found his teachings, which were referenced many times throughout the retreat, to be extremely thought provoking. You can read some of them here. This talk on Happiness and Hunger is a good place to start.

Daily life itself was quite different: an hour and a half of yoga every morning (5am), only two vegetarian meals a day (8am and 12:30pm) and hot chocolate in the afternoon with bedtime at 9:30pm. The day was broken up into blocks consisting of sitting or walking meditation in 45 minute increments, hour-long talks from monks and nuns and free time after breakfast, lunch and tea. During free time we did our assigned chores, laundry, napped, walked, bathed (with bowls of water, no shower) or sat in the hot springs in our sarongs. We had no sources of outside stimulus, no books, music or even journals allowed.

I went through so many emotions and realizations during the retreat it would be impossible to summarize it all in a blog post. You should know that not talking for ten days wasn't that big of a deal - it actually seemed like I was talking all the time, only it was a conversation with myself. Getting one's mind to shut down, even for the amount of time it takes to focus on an in and out breath, is very difficult. While there were only a few times when I broke through enough layers of thought to feel like I wasn't thinking, but truly meditating, it was enough. In those moments I was able to reach a level of calm that is hard to put into words. I felt like I could sit cross-legged and focus on my breathing forever.

I would like to continue to develop my practice because I find meditation to be extremely centering. Everything that doesn't really matter but stresses you out anyway disappears. What is important in life becomes clear. After the retreat I've found that I have a new mindset even when I'm not meditating. Meditation (and Buddhism) are a way of life. For those of you who are interested, I would love to have a more personal conversation about the whole process and my thoughts on the experience, which was very personal.

The main messages for me make up the title of this blog post: mindfulness, attachment and impermanence. I would love to really get into each one, but again, it's somewhat difficult in this format and I am of course still learning. For now, some highlights.

MINDFULNESS: Strive to be mindful in all that we do, whether that's truly listening when someone speaks or paying attention while washing the dishes. The mind is constantly taking us in a thousand different directions instead of allowing us to focus on what we're actually doing. Therefore, we miss out on a lot of what's actually happening. For example, I tend to eat really quickly and so I usually feel like I didn't eat at all. Then I eat too much to make up for it. During the retreat I tried to pay attention to each bite, to each step, to each breath.

ATTACHMENT: All suffering comes from attachment: attachment to things, to people and to self. If we learn to let go we will be happier. I may lose someone or something and feel pain, but not if I'm not attached. This doesn't mean we can't love people or enjoy the things that we have; it's just about finding the middle way and not becoming too wrapped up in anything, including ourselves. In this way we can focus less on consumerism and begin to avoid the countless stresses in day to day life that come from being attached to various things.

IMPERMANENCE: Nothing is permanent. Feelings and thoughts come and go. Things we own break or become outdated. Our body ages. I am going to die and so are you. Let me say that again: I am going to die and so are you. And when we die, we don't get to take anything with us. Mostly I just go about my daily life acting like I will live forever, when in reality all that I have is this moment. Everything is in a constant state of change. Nothing lasts forever, not even the universe, so pay attention and enjoy the moments you have.

Breath in. Breathe out. Breath in. Breath out. I've only been exposed to simple but important truths, messages that have been around for ages. I am left bursting with stories and ideas and questions that I want to share with you. I feel like there's much more to say. But for a summary type of blog post, I think this will do. I'll leave you with a chant that we learned from the time of Buddha:

Verses on a Single Night

One ought no to long for what has passed away
Nor be anxious over things that are yet to come
The past has left us, the future has not arrived

Whoever sees the present dhamma
Direct and clear just as they are
Is unshakable, immovable, secure
They should accumulate such moments

Effort is the duty of today
Even tomorrow death may come
For it is beyond our power
To delay Death and its great armies

The sages of Peace speak of that one who strives
Never lazy throughout the entire day and night
Praise the one who lives for even a single night